*rawr*

A walking study in demonology

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I can't seem to put it aside.

"And as I wash my hands of you
I will not forgiveThe scars that run so deep
Down my heart
Bearing your name "

From this poem. I can't seem to put aside all the pain that this man has caused me. Without him, I would not be here... Yet, I can't forgive him.
I would love to be one of those "Daddy's Girls" who are so confident about thier place in their father's hearts. But, I supose it's not ment to be. After all, the stepmother was there first (it shoulden't have been that way) and as long as she's around, he'll always take her side. Did I ever mention what a bitch she was during the time that I was Iowa for my grandfather's funeral? She coulden't put her shit aside for two fucking days and let me mourn my grandfather's passing in peace!
He keeps popping in every few months to remind me that he still exists, which I suppose I should be greatful for. But, it makes me more bitter with every occurence. How am I suppossed to forget that he took the stepmother's side when she threw a hissy fit right before my wedding? Or, the fact that while he remembered my birthday this year, he made no explaination of his abscense for my birthday last year or last Christmas.
I want to cut all ties, honestly. But, I can't seem to tell him to "fuck off" during those every other month encounters. This last time that he popped up I actualy said to my mother "I wish he would make up his mind. Is he going to disapear for good, or stay put?"
But, on the bright side, I know that it will make me appreciate the wonderful father that Andrew is destened to be.

1 Comments:

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Jess said...

You know, once my dad quit doing his sporadic-every-four-months "You're my daughter, I love you, let's talk" routine, it really did help me get through a lot of shit and put it behind me. Now I don't cry about it (much) which is great considering it's only been a little over a year since we last communicated. I'm not counting the time I waited on him at my store and he didn't recognize me, cause "Did you find everything alright?" and "Have a nice day" just don't cut it.

 

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